


don’t read this i just need a way to show it to my friend

by cylikkious



Category: Monument 14 - Fandom
Genre: Alex is deans brother I think I mentioned him I’m not sure, Angst, Character Death, Crying, F/F, Goodbye, Gore, I hope I’m not forgetting something, I should stop, I stole all plot, I stole some dialogue from the book, I wanted some more on how kiLling effected dean so, I’m not gonna explain it all though because fuck you, I’m sorry, Jake is a jock, Monument 14, Nightmares, Niko is a civil Boy Scout who wants Josie back, Or if you touch my nigga Alex, PTSD, Sadness, bean you will see that I can spell, body slicing as in like murder not self harm or something, but it’s kinda in the middle, dean deserves happiness, dean is a nerd kind of but hot in my eyes, dean is always a dumbass, here we are niggas, i didnt spell check this leave please, i just like writing, i might have gotten stuff wrong but no one will understand this so it’s okay, i really like dean, if he inhales that damn air, im not done reading it either, just trying to catch you up, kind of, kinda minor gore there’s some memories of body slicing and shooting but that’s okay, minor gore, moldy cheese bitch, no one will know what’s going on if they do, no ones gonna read this, or if you touch Astrid, pls fuck me, pls read it all beam, soft boy, some crazy shit went down man, some good stuff but not a lot, takes place in third book, there are 14 of them, there’s chemicals in the air that effect certain blood types differently, they used to be stuck in a mall, too many tags, well idk, whatever, will rip you to pieces though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-19 02:11:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17592704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cylikkious/pseuds/cylikkious
Summary: Deans a little bitch but Astrid and him are nice together anyways.





	don’t read this i just need a way to show it to my friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my pussy](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+pussy).



> sup tit

Astrid didn’t understand.

 

I love her, but she doesn’t understand.

 

She’s pregnant, I know that the baby is above all things. I’d kill my self for that baby, even though it’s not mine. I’m crazy about Astrid — I have been for years — but something’s holding me back.

 

I discovered this last night, when I had a nightmare. I had woken her up by mistake. The dream was choking my consciousness and she practically slapped me awake. I didn’t mind, I was being loud, after all.

 

_“Dean,”_ she whispered.

 

I had my eyes shut tight.

 

_“Dean, wake up,”_ she tried again.

 

I whined. I could feel the rumble of the truck underneath me.

 

She smacked her palm on my cheek, hard enough to leave a red mark.

 

I jolted awake from the pain, or maybe _Astrid’s_ touch in general. The air around me was tight and thick and I gasped. There wasn’t really anything wrong with the air, I just felt smothered by it for no particular reason. Fear was making my stomach churn as I continued to breathe heavily.

 

_“Dean?”_ Astrid was looking at me intently. I could see repressed fear in her eyes.

 

The air wasn’t getting any easier to breathe in. Was it really the air, or was my throat closing? I could hear myself gasping desperately again, and I wanted to cry badly. I was freaking out in front of this girl, who I’ve loved for so long. _Weak_ , she probably thought.

 

_“Hey, hey, you’re safe, I’m here, take deep breathes,”_ Astrid had said in her soothing voice.

 

I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eyes. I didn’t want to see what she really felt. As I listened to her I began to take slower breathes. That panic still lingered after all of those words. If I pushed myself to move I was sure the feeling would rise back up again.

 

_“Sorry for waking you up,”_ I told Astrid, _“I just had a bad dream.”_

 

_“It’s alright,”_ she nodded sympathetically.

 

I looked around, making sure Jake and Niko were still asleep. I was glad no one else had woken up, or this would be a lot more embarrassing.

 

There was a tense silence between Astrid and I. I cleared my throat awkwardly and spoke.

 

_“We should go back to sleep.”_

 

She didn’t seem too happy with that. Her hand glided from my forearm to my shoulder, tugging me a little closer to her body. My face heated up.

 

_“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”_   She asked, stroking the space between my collarbone and jaw.

 

_This was normal_ , I had to remind myself. _Couples do this_.

 

I didn’t respond for a minute. My thoughts were all over the place.

 

_“I cant really remember what happened anymore.”_

 

Astrid breathed her hot breath that made my skin boil, in a good way.

 

_“You seemed afraid...”_

 

My muscles coiled. I think she noticed, because she loosened her grip slightly. That made me want to cry again. Was Astrid scared of me?

 

_“I probably was.”_

 

_“It’s okay to be scared,”_ she soothed.

 

My head was beginning to hurt. I buried my face in her neck and sighed. _“I’m sorry.”_

 

She pulled me back. We met eyes for a moment, which made my heart pump too fast for my liking, so I looked to her stomach.

 

_“Why did you apologize?”_ Astrid looked frustrated now.

 

_“I-,“_ my throat went dry as I stopped myself from apologizing again, _“I don’t know.”_

 

I watched as Astrid’s face twisted into seriousness. My grip on my other hand tightened.

 

_“Stop apologizing for things. You barely have anything to do with most of it, Dean. I wish you knew that.”_ I could hear disappointment in her voice. My insides twisted with _real_ pain.

 

I probably looked stupid there, mouth agape and eyes wide — but Astrid’s words made my whole being shrink up. It wasn’t so much about what she said, more about how she said it. I knew she wasn’t happy with how I acted around Jake, but I didn’t think this’d be something she would be agitated about. I let some of my feelings out and that’s what happened. Why am I surprised? Astrid was amazing, and here I am, a wimpy kid trying not to ball because his girlfriend used an intimidating tone of voice.

 

_“Wait, Dean, that isn’t what I meant,”_ she stuttered a bit. I guess she recognized the hurt in my face.

 

My pride didn’t stop sinking as she stuttered out an apology, so I crawled under the covers again and pretended I we hadn’t talked at all. My temples were throbbing.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

So, that night had been eventful, I guess. That interaction with Astrid really hit me in the gut, but I got myself stuck on something else. I killed someone — well, two someones, but the first one was **_it_** completely **_was_** out **_still_** of **_your_** my **_body_** control.

 

I shot Payton. In the chest. I did that. It wasn’t necessary, really. We could have tied him up and left the Greenway. I still shot him, though, right in front of the kids and Astrid.

 

Why did I do that? They weren’t even mad at me. They said I had to. But I didn’t, right? Or am I repressing a memory? I can only remember Payton on the floor and myself above him, with a gun. I don’t remember pointing it at him, I only remember pulling the trigger and seeing his face. He was **_horrified_**. That’s all I can say, I can’t put that into words. I have no idea what I did to him. Did I send him to heaven? Did I send him to hell? Did I blast him into nothingness or blackness or something beyond my comprehension?

 

I don’t know.

 

Why can’t I know? Why can’t I remember it all? I had a reason to kill him, I had to. I didn’t just want to, it couldn’t be that. His face, _oh god_ , his face. He looked so _scared_. He looked at me! His eyes, they were on mine!

 

I shook my head.

 

No. I had to focus. I knew I looked crazy, driving with my eyes bulging out of my face. Jake was already looking at me funny. I squinted my eyes at him and he moved his gaze elsewhere.

 

After talking to Niko in the woods, I didn’t think of Jake as a lowlife asshole as much as I used to. He still left me burning with something, but it wasn’t quite hatred.

 

I missed Niko. It had been only a few hours since he had gone on his own and I was already wishing he were here. Niko was the only reasonable one besides Astrid, who was incapable of taking action in her state. I knew I could be pretty stupid at times, and Jake, well, he had his own issues. I was beginning to feel frightened about this, but who was I to doubt our cleverness?

 

I looked over my shoulder to Astrid, who was sleeping with Rinée in her arms. She looked so beautiful, even without her long locks, the ones I cut off sloppily for her. Her deranged baby chick hair might even be better than the original. She will be a good mom.

 

Jake had fallen asleep too, which made me huff. He was drooling on his shoulder, just like I had but he’d teased me for it.

 

My butt was getting numb from sitting for so long. It was dark outside, so I stopped like I said I would. If we ran into that type O again we’d be screwed. I still had the gun that Niko had given me graciously. I was glad we had it, though I wasn’t sure if I could be the one to fire the damn thing, if that was an appropriate course of action.

 

If that could ever be an appropriate course of action at all, actually, despite how dire the situation may be...

 

The car was starting to feel dense, so I grabbed my suit and tied it at the waist before going outside, just in case the drifts traveled here from Vinita.

 

I sat on the road, looking at the cornfield I had stopped the car by. The tops of the plants flowed with each other, creating a wave within the field. It looked cool in the dark. The corn had a bluish purple lookinstead of a green. I heard the car door open.

 

“You think the air’s okay?” Astrid spoke from the car. I nodded and held up my face mask.

 

“Just to be safe.”

 

She shut the door behind her carefully, not wanting to wake Rinée or Jake up. She sat next to me.

 

“Is Rinée alright—,” she had grabbed my face and planted a kiss on my mouth.

 

I felt her in that kiss. I felt her concern and her affection. Her face made me melt. She looked mystic in the night, and kind of purple, but her big eyes and her lips told me everything I needed to know about us.

 

She cared. I could talk to her. She knew that Jake hadn’t been the only thing bothering me.

 

There have been nights like yesterday, but it had been a lot more subtle than that. I had Alex, I knew he was safe, and Astrid wasn’t as pregnant as she was now. All my worries about what I’d done back at the Greenway had dissipated.

 

Now I could remember my dream. Payton’s face, looking at me. _His eyes_. I could feel my heart pump faster and faster as I recalled that moment and, somehow, the dream made it feel more vivid than it ever was before.

 

I remembered how I sliced that other man in half outside of the store’s gate. I loved it; using that chainsaw on him, burying the sharp little blades into his _meaty_ body. I didn’t even know him, and it wasn’t likehe was recognizable after what I’d done. The compounds took me over so quickly, I couldn’t stop myself! I would’ve killed Astrid and the twins and Chloe if Jake hadn’t returned when he did!

 

My eyes burned. I didn’t cry after I murdered that man outside of the Greenway. I didn’t cry after I shot Payton in the chest. But I’m crying now. Sobbing, pretty much. I tried covering my face but Astrid moved my hands.

 

“I still love you, no matter what.”

 

She didn’t say what we both knew came after that. _No matter what you do_. But I understood.

 

Astrid could understand.

 

I love her too, and she could understand.

 

**Author's Note:**

> did you like it hoe


End file.
